Everyone has regrets, moments in the past when they wish they had acted differently. They play out in your head, over and over again, and you wonder how to stop obsessing over regrets. You wish you could change the past, but are unable to do so. The energy you spend obsessing over these regrets is exhausting and leaves you feeling drained and depressed. You wish you knew how to stop obsessing over regrets, simply because the mental bandwidth it takes up is exhausting.
According to J. Kim Penberthy, Professor of Psychiatry and Neurobehavioral Sciences, University of Virginia, “regret is one of those feelings which you cannot seem to shake, a heavy, intrusive, negative emotion that can last for minutes, days, years or even a lifetime”. Prof. Penberthy says that regret can increase stress levels and throw off an individual’s hormone levels and immune system. Studies have shown that an inability to shake regrets can have effects on physical health.
If you find yourself asking the question “Why do I regret everything I do and say?” repeatedly, then this article is for you. In it, we shall talk about how to get over regret and guilt by first understanding what causes these cycles, then ways to stop fixating on the past, and finally, we shall address the issue of how you can overcome regrets of the past.
Why Do We Obsess Over Regrets?
Regret is a complex emotion that is often rooted in unmet expectations. Prof. Penberthy says that there are two ways to experience regret.
- Regret of action: This is a regret for the things we have done. The other is the inaction path. This involves regret for the things we did not do. Research suggests that regret based on a past action, though painful, can motivate people to learn from the experience. For example, if I regret having lost my temper with my wife, I could always apologise to her and make it right.
- Regret of inaction: Regret based on inaction is the most difficult one to deal with and is more likely to lead to stress, anxiety, and depression. These types of regret, based on inaction, usually occur more often in the long run with greater intensity.
For example, if I didn’t take up a job offer with a small company and that small company went on to become a major conglomerate, I would be faced with regretting a lost opportunity that I couldn’t undo. It is possible that this type of regret could eat away at me and affect my current job and life. Dealing with such a regret is much more difficult.
The question that arises, then, is why do we keep returning to these thoughts? Why do we keep looking behind and returning to these thoughts? It usually stems from a desire to undo the mistake made in the past or at least find a way to make it right. Unfortunately, this just isn’t possible, and instead of putting the matter behind us, we keep revisiting it and playing the “what if” game over and over again.
Some of the reasons why we obsess over regrets could include:
1. Feelings of low self-esteem
Perfectionists and those with low self-esteem issues tend to be more prone to regret. Anyone who has been through a devastating breakup or a failed relationship is more likely to keep replaying those moments in their head, wondering if the outcome could have been any different.
2. Mental health issues
Those with mental health issues, such as OCD, can keep obsessing over past incidents in their lives endlessly. Society places a high value on perceived success and a quick recovery, factors that make it more difficult to process complex feelings. Many tend to bottle up these types of emotions and not speak about them. Obsessing over them causes the feelings to intensify, and that nagging voice in your head can become louder, telling you that you could have done things differently.
3. The dangers of social media
Social media, with its constant demand for perfection, comparison to others, and the portrayal of happiness, also has a big role to play. Mental health experts have expressed concern about the link between social media use and mental health concerns.
Scrolling through the curated feed of others and watching their “perfect” images makes you compare yourself with their images. All of this increases anxiety levels as the time for the next social media post nears. The nagging voice telling you that you are not good enough becomes louder. The cycle is endless.
4. The fault in our brain wiring
There is also the biological element. According to a Harvard Graduate School of Education blog, our brains are hard-wired to focus on the negative. It is an evolutionary survival mechanism that is supposed to help us learn from danger. In modern life, however, it makes us more prone to get stuck in loops of regret instead of learning and moving on.
5. Cynical and negative outlooks
Finally, some people have a habit of perceiving everything in a negative manner and fixate on regret. Their past mistakes have become a part of their identity. Being cynical can cause you to have a very negative outlook, and this directly affects how you feel.
Letting go of this regret would mean stepping into an unknown place, and that can be a very scary prospect. The natural inclination would be to stay stuck in the past, and it can become a kind of comfort zone.
How To Stop Ruminating Over The Past
Overcoming your obsession with the past can be difficult initially, but it is possible and does become easier with practice. Here are some of the steps you can take to stop yourself from regretting something you cannot change.
1. Becoming aware
Experts at Faith Behavioral Health Clinic say that the first step to get over regretting a decision made in the past is to become aware of the fact that you are obsessing over it. Whenever you catch yourself saying “I regret my past mistakes” or find yourself regretting your life choices, pause and name the thought.
For example, tell yourself, “I’m thinking of the same argument again”. Then try to divert your attention and think of something else. Done often enough, this will eventually help detach you from the thought.
2. Accepting your feelings
Prof. J. Kim Penberthy suggests we begin by accepting the feeling of regret and associated feelings such as guilt, remorse, and shame. Accept that this is how you feel without any judgment. Accepting your feelings doesn’t mean you have to like them. It just means you are acknowledging their presence.
3. Letting go and moving forward
Once you have accepted your feelings, it is time to let go of them and move forward. You can help release them by practicing self-compassion. A study by Kohki Arimitsu and Stefan G. Hoffman of Boston University has shown that compassionate thinking can have a positive effect on negative emotions such as regret.
This means reminding yourself that you are human and prone to making mistakes. It is okay to make mistakes. Being compassionate towards yourself can help you accept your past mistakes and move past regret.
How Does Ruminating Over Past Decisions Affect Your Mental Health?
Past research has established a connection between regret and both depression and anxiety, according to a paper by Adam D. Galinsky and Suzanne Segerstrom, researchers from Northwestern University and the University of Kentucky, respectively. Ruminating constantly over the past can create a very negative state of mind with the emotions to match. It activates the brain’s stress response mechanism, which, over time, can make you depressed about past mistakes. This focus on past mistakes can make you fearful of making new ones. This can make you anxious and even cause physical symptoms such as headaches and fatigue.
The anxiety caused by repeatedly ruminating over the past can lead to the development of unhealthy coping mechanisms. Some people turn to drugs/alcohol or develop compulsive disorders, such as eating disorders.
While initially, the drugs or food may help them cope with the anxiety and make them feel better about themselves, it can eventually become a coping mechanism that leads to addiction or disorder. Some of the other consequences of constantly ruminating over your decisions can include:
1. It affects relationships
Many of those who live in the past suffer from failed relationships. If you are constantly living in the past, you will be unable to form any meaningful connections in your present. Life after a breakup can be difficult. Your obsession with regrets may affect your self-worth and make you insecure in your current relationship. All of these factors will affect your mental health.
2. You have difficulty sleeping
Lack of sleep, fatigue, irritability, and a lack of motivation can occur as a result of constantly looking behind. The depression and anxiety caused by the regret tape playing repeatedly in your head can give you anxiety and sleepless nights. Over time, this can lead you to the belief that you are fundamentally flawed. This belief can lead to poor decision-making, which reinforces the negative pattern of thinking and affects your mental health.
3. It erodes your self-worth
Chronic regret can strip away your self-worth and trap you in a cycle of negativity, which affects your mental health. You may stop seeing yourself as someone who has made a mistake and instead think of yourself as a mistake. You may begin to second-guess your own decision, which can lead to an erosion of self-confidence. Over time, this loss of self-confidence becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and erodes your self-worth. Down that road lie feelings of worthlessness, depression, isolation, and despair.
4. It causes physiological issues
Apart from the mental health issues such as depression and anxiety, chronic regret can have some serious physiological consequences that result from the body’s response to psychological stress. Over time, the stress response can lead to such physiological issues as digestive disorders, hypertension, chronic pain, and more.
How To Stop Obsessing Over Past Regrets
As seen earlier, obsessing over past regrets can have some serious untoward consequences. Stopping this obsessive way of thinking can be difficult, especially if it has become ingrained within you. Instead of obsessing over thoughts and living with regret, try some of these techniques to help you get rid of regret and guilt. These techniques can show you how to stop obsessing over regrets and help you to heal.
1. Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness is a form of meditation where you try to focus and become aware of what you are sensing and feeling at the moment. It can help you stay grounded in the present and stop you from dwelling too much in the past or in the future.
If you aren’t sure how to begin meditating, try an app. There are many apps available that can help, including Headspace and Calm. Set aside a small part of your day to practice mindfulness. Every time you find yourself ruminating over the past, try to practice mindfulness.
2. Change your perspective
Change your perspective by challenging your negative thoughts. Change the narrative in your head from negative to positive. Remind yourself that you did the best you could with the knowledge and experience you had at that time.
If you find that you have made a mistake in the past, ask yourself what you can learn from it so as not to repeat it in the future.
3. Practice gratitude
Practicing gratitude can bring about a big change in your perspective and help you focus on what is currently right in your life. This will decrease the hold your past regrets have over you.
One way of practicing gratitude would be by making a daily gratitude list. This will help you to focus on what is right in your life rather than dwell on what is wrong. Over time, it will change your perspective and make you more appreciative of what you have. You will become a more positive person.
4. Journaling
Journaling can help you become aware of the past mistakes that cause anxiety in your life today. Focus on writing about how you felt and what you have learned from the past experience, and what you can do differently moving forward.
Writing your thoughts and feelings in a journal will help you get a better understanding of yourself, giving you insights into your thoughts, feelings, and actions that you probably weren’t even aware of. Along with mindfulness, journaling will help you become more self-aware.
5. Forgive yourself
Learn to forgive yourself for past transgressions. This is a difficult but crucial step, and is a powerful tool in helping you overcome regret. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. It is about loosening the grip the past has over you and allowing yourself to move forward. Forgiving yourself is an essential part of the healing process that will make you whole again.
6. Seek professional help
Dealing with regret and depression can be an uphill battle, and not all are equipped to handle it by themselves. Consider seeking professional help if you feel that your obsessing over regrets is interfering with your daily life. There are several techniques that a professional can use to help, including a cognitive psychological model known as REACH. Another one is Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) which has also been known to help in managing obsessive thoughts.
Conclusion
Obsession with the past keeps you from being in the present and from enjoying it. Learning how to stop obsessing over regrets does not mean that you will never feel regret or remorse again. You will. All humans make mistakes, and so will you. But instead of living in your past and regretting it, you can begin to take responsibility for your words and actions and learn from your past mistakes.
You might feel sad when you reflect upon some devastating event in your past, but it doesn’t mean that that event will keep a grip on you and define your future. Life is about growth, not attaining perfection. Learning from mistakes is what makes us grow. Do not try to erase the past, but understand it and learn from it. Do not be harsh on yourself, and above all, do not judge yourself. Forgive yourself and move on.
In the end, you deserve the peace of mind that comes from letting go of the past and healing. Only you have the power to rid yourself of regret and guilt. You can do this by stopping yourself from obsessing over the past. Do not allow the pain to define you. You have the power within you to heal and to move forward with grace.
