Thoughts about your current relationship feel heavy. When you think of your significant other, you are not sure what you think. You weigh the options of confrontation and disappearance. In the two-way street of your relationship, you are lost. You don’t know who you are outside of it. Neither are you confident in yourself within it. Can you bear to confront the signs of settling in a relationship?
Staying means loyalty. Betrayal is not an option. But that should not get more power than the excruciating mental agony settling brings. Here, staying does not mean support. It piles on the mountain of loss – of self-esteem, unhappiness, dissatisfaction, resentment, or worse: a state of complete loneliness where there should be another person.
You’re stuck in a limbo. Of not knowing where you stand. If your relationship could get away with open communication or quiet acceptance. Here are a few signs that may bring clarity. We bring a curated article on how you can weigh the pros and cons of staying or leaving. To help you reflect on where you stand and take a step towards getting out of such misery.
Are You Truly Happy Or Just Comfortable?
In a society that thrives on its communities and networking, there is a lot of importance placed on maintaining long-term relationships. Among these, romantic relationships see a lot of peaks and valleys. In a study by R Chris Fraley and Glenn I. Roisman, in their The Development of Adult Attachment Styles: Four Lessons, there is reference to the influence of how “people’s attachment styles play a role in how they interpret the behaviour and intention of others, how they regulate their affect.”
Comfort might offer you a sense of relief. Especially when you’ve had a long day. You know what to expect and how much to give. But oftentimes, that’s where a relationship stagnates. There is nothing inherently wrong with choosing comfort. But when it begins to settle, there is a lack you’re left scrambling to fill. The indifference screams from one among ‘Signs she settled for you.’ Or that putting in effort has become overrated.
Achieving a “happily ever after” is hard work. Discovering yourself and your expectations is important. While they largely dictate how we maneuver relationships in social gatherings, choosing to settle is an act of rebellion. Of choosing to stay low to reject further hurt. These could be triggers, signs you are settling for the bare minimum in a relationship.
To counter them, we must first address what they are. Here are 9 signs you are settling for someone.
1. You keep justifying the lack of emotional connection
The Chelsea Psychology Clinic recognises emotional intimacy as “the sense of closeness and connection you feel with another person. The feeling of truly being seen, heard, and appreciated by your partner.” In a relationship, this builds security and trust.
Lack of emotional connection looks like:
- Avoiding deep and/or difficult conversations
- Talking of only impersonal, surface-level topics
- Constant misunderstandings
- Physical closeness feels awkward
- Heavily relies on functionality, not intimacy
- Never feeling like you’re on the same page
- Feeling performative
At the core of any relationship, there lies a space for vulnerability. This is initially forged through open communication. Of feeling connected to yourself, and then to your partner. It should also gradually offer a place to be your authentic self without any judgment. If you’re constantly questioning your self-worth to even hold basic conversations, it is time to reconsider. Such justification could “lead to a pattern of accepting behaviours that undermine the relationship’s foundation.”
2. You’ve lowered your standards
Relationship standards focus on values and criteria regarding “what is acceptable, desirable or necessary.” In a romantic relationship, this helps maintain healthy boundaries.
When this is challenged or compromised, it leads to:
- Dissatisfaction
- Resentment
- Unhealthy relationship dynamics
- Unhappiness with self and partner
- Violation of personal values
- Unhealthy attachments
To counter general dissatisfaction, it is easy to argue that no relationship is perfect. Compromises have to be made. This is not applicable at the cost of compromising fundamental values. Of valuing the relationship more than feeling lonely or unloved.
Common signs of settling in a relationship where standards are involved include:
- Excusing toxic behaviour
- Focusing on the potential rather than the current status of your partner
- Overly rationalising your concerns
- Not encouraging open communication
- Justifying their lack of interest
- Hoping for a change in behaviour
- Putting in all the effort
- Making too many sacrifices
When the relationship is too one-sided, it adds stress. This causes a festering of hurt. Of feeling denied the basic requirements of a romantic relationship. While having expectations is natural, it is important to value yourself and your needs.
3. You’re constantly making excuses for your partner
This is the biggest sign of rationalising an unhealthy relationship dynamic. It dictates the reluctance to address issues. To normalize a tendency or an unhealthy pattern to cope. This fosters disconnection, bordering on blurring the lines between reality and your ideals.
Collapse often begins with the rocking of the boat. If truth-telling feels too shameful or induces a sense of guilt, it is proof of cracks. What this also looks like is:
- Erosion of self-esteem
- Losing your sense of individuality
- Holding the weight of responsibilities on your own
- Reduction of daily communication, or contact
- Feeling emotionally drained
- Like you’re waiting for their return
Like any relationship, effort has to operate on a 50-50 scale. No one person is expected to carry it all the time. In that case, there is no need for assumption. Of “they might be exhausted from work,” or “they are stressed at the moment.” Writing off this “busy-ness” as insignificant is making an excuse. Where there is love, there is consideration. No one is too busy, especially if they care.
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4. Your needs always take a backseat
Simply put, this is neglect. In any relationship, there is a demand for balance. This is achieved when there is consistent compromise and consideration. Mutual respect, meeting needs, understanding, and conversation bind it. When one partner is constantly sacrificial, it leads to imbalance.
This manifests into bigger concerns if not addressed in time. It can lead to:
- Loss of self
- Resentment
- Feeling unheard
- Lack of balance in dynamic
- Communication problems
- Feeling undervalued
- Loss of respect
When your needs are being overlooked, seek support. Engage in conversations that help your partner understand. Your relationship is a two-way street after all. Do not hesitate to bring up negotiation and the need to prioritize your well-being. Openly addressing what balance means in the relationship helps build a stronger bond.
5. You feel more lonely with them than without them
In an idealised relationship, it is not unusual to feel lonely. To see your partner not live up to expectations is confronting reality. This could also happen if either of you is too pressurised or too tired. Or if your imagined potential takes up more space than singular reality.
What it can look like is:
- Feeling distanced
- Lack of physical and emotional intimacy
- Avoiding spending time with each other
- Feeling a loss of importance/value in their life
You cannot expect a single person to fulfill all your needs. Placing such extravagant demands on your partner only pressurises them. While they meet most needs, it is important to consider other outlets for balance. Placing your partner at the center of your world means setting yourself up for disappointment. While you can prioritize them, you need to put yourself first, too.
What you can do instead:
- Spend time with your friends by yourself
- Ask other people for help
- Go to a few events without your partner
- Practice a hobby you love
- Prioritize helping out within the community
These don’t require being around your significant other all the time. It allows you to discover new parts of yourself. And how you could sustain growth in your other relationships beyond the one with your romantic partner. Giving them space to grow individually also adds depth to the relationship you share.
6. You’re afraid to start over
Among signs of settling in a relationship, this one ranks high. While it is difficult to start over in a relationship, it is important to consider where you stand. Addressing the truth might help you more than you think.
Comprehending the fear:
- Fear of failure – making the same mistake or choosing the wrong person
- Past trauma – betrayals, or painful endings
- Taken for granted – infidelity, or losing oneself when vulnerable
- Fear of change – took time to reach comfort zone, scared to leave it
An extreme case would include “philophobia” – irrational persistence of being scared to love.
Apart from festering in stagnancy, these relationships operate only in name. There are no feelings involved. And there seems to be an endless wait for something that is never coming.
Being direct about expectations and learning to navigate negotiation is a good place to start. You can practice self-love by setting realistic expectations. By being open to new experiences, and not comparing them to the old ones. Focus on healing yourself before you consider another relationship.
7. Physical intimacy feels forced or missing
In romantic relationships, it is important to place high value on vulnerability. This emotional appeal, of feeling heard and seen, offers avenues for safety and security. It also invites comfort in being open to giving and receiving touch.
Lack of affection, manifesting through physical touch, might find reason in:
- Deep emotional disconnection
- Problems in communication
- Past trauma
- Fear of intimacy
- Feeling too self-conscious
- Trust issues
- Increased stress or anxiety
Not being on the same page could be possible grounds for this concern. Having an honest conversation with your partner helps. By focusing on rebuilding emotional connection and addressing issues. Prioritizing self-reflection before such a conversation to fully understand what you feel like you’re missing.
Exploring new activities and seeking professional guidance, if required, helps recultivate the spark. In this situation, it is easy to place blame. Oftentimes, it is important to remind yourself and your significant other that you’re in this together.
8. You daydream about being with someone else
This manifests out of a lack in your current relationship. Frequent dissociation from reality arises out of a need for escapism. From loneliness, boredom, or dissatisfaction. Issues within the relationship might also prompt a similar reaction.
Whether it is considered cheating or not depends on the boundaries set within the relationship. But open conversations regarding differences in desire, in expectations, and unmet needs need to be received with compassion. To understand where your partner comes from, their concerns and their values are as important as what they try to convey during non-verbal dialogue.
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9. The idea of marriage or commitment feels like a trap
Operates on the idea of settling down feels real, but invokes more fear than assurance of what you want. A significant cause for this remains a deep emotional disconnect. Stemming from the slow feeling of growing apart, this places importance on the fear of a lack of sustenance. Considering a long-term relationship sounds less scary if there is no heartache expected upon separation.
There remains so much anxiety from the scenario of splitting up, even without a cemented reason, is enough to instill such a fear of commitment. Gamophobia is one such extremity.
Other reasons for such fear include:
- Unresolved conflicts
- Unaddressed needs
- Fear of change
- Dependence – financial and/or emotional
- Societal pressure
- Low self-worth or confidence
- Hope for change/potential
- Attachment styles since birth
Acknowledgement of this fear helps set your own boundaries. It also helps you understand where you wish to stand. You can communicate openly with your partner and evaluate your relationship. Seeking professional help is also a good option to help understand how to counter this feeling.
Conclusion
While it sounds like having someone on your team is reassuring, it requires effort. Settling for something less than what you want sounds good, until it stops working. To manage healthy dynamics, it is paramount to consider what you can provide and what you expect. That you and your partner offer realistic ways for sustaining a long-term relationship.
That in the long run, no matter what the issue is, you’ve got each other’s backs. And not just for the sake of external functionality. When you face some signs of settling in a relationship, you are more prepared to address them sooner. Together.
FAQs
1. Is it normal to feel unsure in a long-term relationship?
Yes, it is. While it is good to consider the big picture, it is important to have conversations about it with your partner. When you feel unsure, it is a sign that your values don’t align. Being open and direct about your concerns helps navigate this better.
2. Can a relationship work even if I feel like I’m settling?
It is a personal choice. You can make the relationship work. But at what cost? There are ways to make changes to your relationship without compromising too much. While prioritising comfort, it is easy to overlook growth. Keeping this in mind, you can choose to learn how to balance both.
3. What’s the difference between compromise and settling?
Compromise is being open to finding middle ground. It does not place one person’s values or needs over another’s. Confusion in prioritisation is one among signs you are settling for less in a relationship. Of lack of addressing concerns, and quietly putting up with certain values you don’t agree with. While the former is open to negotiation, the latter offers less room.
