Do you find yourself being a people pleaser, unable to say “no” even if it means doing something you really don’t want to? If so, then you need to read on, as I will show you how to stop being a doormat while helping you to become more assertive. I will examine all aspects of this type of behavior, from the meaning of the term “doormat” to the signs that indicate you are one and its causes. I will also show you how not to be a doormat.
Always trying to be a nice person might feel like a good thing, but it is not the same as being a kind person. By always being a nice guy, you may allow yourself to be used, and that is not good for you. Being a doormat will affect how others treat you and may lead to deep feelings of inadequacy. I will also share with you a few practical strategies that can help you change your mindset, thereby enabling you to stand up for yourself, and how to stop being a doormat..
It’s about time you stopped being treated like a doormat and stood up for yourself.
What Does ‘Being A Doormat’ Mean?
The Cambridge dictionary defines a “doormat” as “a person who accepts being treated badly and does not complain”. According to psychotherapist Sharon Martin, a doormat is a person who is a people-pleaser, someone who is afraid to say “no” and is willing to sacrifice themself to please others.
There are many examples of being a doormat that come to mind. Some examples of doormat behavior include:
- Lending money and not asking for it back
- Get stuck with additional work because you can’t say “no”
- Help someone who has been rude to you
- Accept blame for other people’s mistakes
10 Signs You Are A Doormat
Here is a list of 10 signs you are a doormat. All of these can be considered as warning signs before people start treating you as a doormat
1. You’re too kind
Your kind behavior, always giving in to people’s demands, persists even when people take advantage of you and hurt you.
2. Afraid to say “no”
You cannot bring yourself to say no because you don’t want to upset or disappoint the other person. This is one of the classic doormat personality examples.
3. You feel burnt out
You feel overwhelmed with the workload, often feeling that you are giving more than your fair share.
4. You neglect your needs
You are so busy taking care of everyone’s needs that you neglect your own, to your detriment.
5. You feel unappreciated
You feel unappreciated and undervalued, even though you are expected to put in all the effort and go the extra mile. This is one of the signs you’re being taken for granted.
6. The guilt makes you say “yes”
You say yes out of a sense of guilt, obligation, or simply because you want to be accepted.
7. Apologizing needlessly
You keep apologizing for things you didn’t do or were not responsible for.
8. Hanging with people you dislike
You spend time with people you don’t like just to feel accepted as “part of the gang”.
9. Avoiding conflicts
You tend to shy away from arguments and conflicts, afraid to voice your opinion lest you be accused of taking sides. Conflict avoidance is one of the classic signs of being a doormat in a relationship.
10. You compromise your values
In an attempt to fit in and be accepted, you compromise your values, agreeing with other people’s opinions and actions even though they run contrary to yours. These are all signs of a doormat personality.
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Why Do People Behave As Doormats?
Being a doormat is not something people do as a matter of choice. Its root cause is people-pleasing behavior, and this can be attributed to several different psychological factors, according to Ronald E. Riggio Ph.D. Let’s have a look at some of the many factors, both personality as well as social psychological ones, that cause this behavior.
1. Agreeableness
One of the main personality traits that can make an individual prone to mistreatment by others is agreeableness, according to Ronald E. Riggio. This is a tendency to try to go along with others in order to get along with them.
Agreeableness can lead to:
- An inability to say no
- Others taking advantage of you
- Being taken for granted
I have a friend, Carl, who is just unable to say no. His need to be accepted led him to go out drinking with his friends when he should have been celebrating his wife’s birthday.
2. Low self-esteem
Ronald E. Riggio says that low self-esteem can cause a person to feel undeserving, as a result of which they often cannot stand up for themselves Low self-esteem often leads an individual to be taken advantage of because of:
- Fear of rejection
- Feel undeserving
- Lack of self-worth
- Desire to be accepted
My friend Carl has had many bad experiences lending money repeatedly to people simply because he needed to be accepted. When I questioned him about it, he rationalized it by saying, “It’s okay. I never expected it to be returned anyway.”
3. Low self-efficacy
Self-efficacy is the belief one has in their ability to do something. An individual with low self-efficacy in their ability to have healthy relationships or to satisfy their own needs will nearly always:
- End up being unable to satisfy their needs
- This leads to feelings of anxiety and depression.
4. Unhealthy and imbalanced relationships
A healthy relationship is a balanced one where both partners are equal in what they put into and get out of the relationship. This give and take is essential to forming a healthy relationship, and any imbalance in it, according to Ronald E. Riggio, can lead to:
- One partner feeling disadvantaged
- One partner becoming resentful
- Relationship becomes toxic,
- Relationship breaking up.
5. Avoiding conflict
Conflict is an inherent part of any relationship, whether it is romantic, platonic, or professional. Conflict can lead to anxiety and stress, and for many, the easiest way to cope with conflict is to avoid it altogether. Conflict avoidance can lead to:
- Suppression of anger
- Buildup of resentment
- Inability to say no, even when it is against their interests.
- Increased stress and burnout
Carl was a great one for avoiding conflict. At work, he would often be bullied into staying on late and helping a colleague finish their job. This caused him a lot of stress, which affected his health.
6. Being a victim
Being a victim of bullying is another reason why a person may feel like a doormat. This can happen at the workplace or even in a relationship. Being a victim can:
- Cause suppressed anger leading to resentments
- Increased stress levels
- Toxic relationships
Carl was constantly bullied by his colleagues at work. This is what happened on the night of his wife’s birthday when he was pressured to go out for a drink instead of going out with his wife to celebrate. Eventually, he quit his job.
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How To Stop Being A Doormat – 10 Tips
Having a generous and giving nature is a wonderful personality trait, but overdoing it can be harmful to you. Being used to this kind of behavior may make it difficult initially to see the damage it is causing you. It is very easy to tell yourself that your behavior is a good part of your personality, but you can’t just keep on giving. Ultimately, your spiritual cup will run dry, and this will have a negative impact on you.
In order to strike the right balance between generosity and self-sacrifice, you need to learn assertiveness. Being assertive will teach you how to build boundaries, an essential tool in your battle against being a doormat.
Assertiveness shouldn’t be confused with aggressiveness. Aggressiveness involves ignoring another person’s needs and feelings. When we are assertive, we convey our thoughts and feelings calmly and clearly in a manner that respects both ourselves and the other person. It calls for you to be emotionally mature and will help you to establish clear boundaries.
Here is a list of tips that will help you to be assertive and stop being a doormat:
1. Be mindful of your needs
Be aware of your feelings and needs. Initially, this will be easier said than done. Keeping a journal where you write down your thoughts and feelings will help you to look within and get in touch with yourself. Once you know what you want or need, you can be more assertive in your communication. This will teach you how to say no.
2. Practice beforehand
Know what you are going to say before going into a difficult conversation. You can practice by:
- Write what you are going to say beforehand
- Keep the script clear and concise
- Practice speaking it
- If you can, get a partner to practice with
3. Timing and body language are important
Before speaking to the other person, ensure that:
- The other person is free
- You have their attention
- The other person isn’t distracted or agitated
- You maintain eye contact with the other person
- Your body language is positive
4. Calm yourself
Ensure that you are not agitated. If you are, calm yourself first. This may prove difficult at first, especially if you have been holding your feelings in. Speaking calmly is half the battle won, and there is a good chance that the other person will hear you out and respond positively.
You can calm yourself by:
- Taking deep breaths until your breath is even
- Meditating for a while beforehand
- Listening to calming, meditative music beforehand
- Not stressing too much about what you are going to say
- Not to anticipate the other person’s reaction
5. Be clear
Try to be as clear and concise as possible in making your point. Do not expect the other person to know what you want to talk about. Do not make excuses for yourself. It is enough to say something along the lines of:
- “I’m sorry, but I am unable to help you out.”
- “Financially, I am not in a position to help.”
- “I am afraid this is not something I am comfortable with.”
- “I understand your point of view, but respectfully, I disagree.”
6. Stay true to yourself
Know that you have a right to ask for what you need, even though there is no guarantee that you will receive it. Do not anticipate rejection. Go ahead and ask.
7. Practice active listening
Active listening requires you to pay attention to what the other person is saying and understand things from their perspective. You can do this by:
- Maintaining eye contact
- Keeping your body language open and positive
- Stop the mental answering and focus on what they are saying
8. Distance yourself
Distancing yourself from another person or situation will help in case you anticipate that they will try and take advantage of you. The same will apply if you have had enough of the situation. In the case of a relationship, consider breaking it off. This may be the only way to stop being taken advantage of in a relationship and save you a lot of grief.
9. Don’t avoid conflict
Avoiding conflict may seem like the best way out, but it is better to resolve it. Unresolved issues have a way of festering and can crop up at any time. This is where your newfound assertiveness will come in handy. Resolve conflict by:
- Facing up to the problem, not avoiding it
- Speaking your mind about what it is that is troubling you
- Putting your needs across clearly and concisely
- Meeting the other person halfway
10. Avoid guilt and self-blame
Once you realize that the other person is trying to take advantage of you, it becomes easier to stop feeling guilty and blaming yourself. Tell yourself:
- It is the other person who has treated you badly
- You are not to blame for how the other person has treated you
- You have made a mistake, and you will not repeat it in the future
- Since you have done nothing wrong, there is no need to feel guilty
FAQs
1. How do I know if I’m being treated like a doormat?
If you feel like you are being taken for granted or just plain exhausted or resentful after interacting with someone, then you are probably being treated like a doormat. Other signs will include feeling pressured to say “yes” against your will, and your inputs being brushed aside in a conversation.
2. How can I stand up for myself?
Start learning to be assertive. You can start in a small manner without getting confrontational. Do not agree to a request immediately, but ask for some time to think about it. It may prove difficult initially, but it will get easier with practice.
3. Is it selfish to set boundaries?
It is absolutely okay to set boundaries. They are for your own protection. Taking care of yourself is not selfish, it’s essential. Healthy boundaries will be respected by others and will make relationships healthier. You may feel like it is selfish because you have not been used to putting your well-being first.
4. Can therapy help me stop being a doormat?
Definitely. A good therapist can help you in your quest to be more assertive by showing you how to set clear boundaries. A therapist can help build self-confidence, improve self-worth and communication skills, and show you how to deal with feelings of guilt and shame. All of these will help you stop being a doormat.
