Why am I still single? Sometimes being single is a choice. Other times, you’ve had experiences that led you to such a conclusion. Sadly, your weekend plans either involve bouts of speed dating or watching reality TV shows that tease the dating world. Either way, it looks like you end up on your couch, scraping the bottom of the ice cream container in hopes that something will change.
There is a constant “why am I still alone?” question running on a loop in your head. Yet, you want more from life than solitude. Read along to figure out if you can relate to any of these reasons!
The Question In Everyone’s Mind
You’ve done everything you can, and yet… It’s like you’ve tattooed “single” onto your forehead. It occurs to you that you don’t want this to lead to a “why am I 30 and still single?” or a “why am I 40 and still single?” spiral. Before jumping ships, consider these 8 plausible reasons for why you might be single:
1. You’re waiting for the ‘perfect’ love story
Building relationships is not easy. Even the perfect ones with happy endings have their own troubles. Perfect, linear stories don’t exist outside of fiction. Still, you can come close to it by writing your own.
When you look for the “right” (potential) partner, you need to find them. You cannot sit inside your room and expect your love story to magically write itself. You need to put yourself out there, even if you wish to meet someone organically. Take the pressure off by enjoying time spent with possible choices. If the “right one” comes along, you might find yourself surprisingly easing into the story.
2. Emotional baggage still weighs you down
Perhaps you’ve been through some tough times in life, which is making you step away from the dating world. Emotional baggage resides in our heads without any invitation and can give birth to many insecurities and self-esteem issues. Some more unresolved emotions include:
- Troubled childhood
- Past relationship issues
- Fear of rejection
- Personal mental health problems
- Loss (through death, divorce, or other circumstances)
These deep-seated fears need to be approached with compassion. If you aren’t able to get over them on your own, you can reach out to a professional counselor.
3. Fear of vulnerability masks as ‘independence’
When human connection is watered down to mere survival, embracing vulnerability feels redundant. As a defense mechanism, ‘hyper-independence’ becomes your go-to response. This distance is necessarily employed against intimacy that feels like a threat.
It could manifest as:
- Suppression of emotions due to past betrayal
- Focusing on others’ flaws
- Maintaining distance
- Withholding affection, wearing a “mask”
- Constant need to run away from situations
- Struggling to connect
- Difficulty in open, honest conversations
- Feeling isolated/lonely among people
As social animals, we thrive where there is community. Where connection is prioritized, it becomes easy to navigate trust. When that has been taken for granted, it becomes difficult to reclaim. Though it depends on the situation, self-reliance feels like the go-to response.
4. You’re subconsciously attracted to the wrong people
Say, you’re constantly attracted to the same kind of people who are prone to “ghosting” you. Or if someone is devoted to you in the beginning, but pulls away when you need them most. How do you make sense of it?
The following could be among why you end up choosing the wrong partner:
- Negative childhood experiences
- Unresolved past trauma
- Settling in a relationship due to low self-esteem
- Being alone feels scarier than being in an unhappy relationship
- Nursing unrealistic expectations of fixing your relationship
- Misinterpreting initial emotional chemistry
This is a more toxic cycle to endure. Making a choice comes from either a place of want or a place of need. The former suggests confidence. Like being sure of who you are before you make a choice regarding your potential partner. The latter, on the other hand, comes from a place of desperation. Somewhere between the two is a decent decision.
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5. Your career is your first love
As a workaholic, it may seem second-nature to approach all other relationships in life as though they were business transactions. It is outright rude to treat your potential partner as a colleague, when you’re trying to win them over.
While an ideal life should mean balancing career and love, it is easier said than done. Statistics show that 75% of people are happy with their relationships in comparison to 70% of people who’ve decided to put their career first. The 18-34 age-group values career success over a relationship 13% more than the 35-54 age-group. Those in their emerging adulthood seem to prioritize their jobs.
If you have decided to put your dreams first, then it is likely that your career means more to you. When fulfilling this goal becomes top-priority, relationships take a step back. While it is important to further yourself as a person, wanting to date amidst this requires finding stability in maintaining either. Ultimately, it is a personal choice how much value you assign to both your career and your romantic relationship.
6. You’re not putting yourself out there
One of the reasons for you being single might be that you’re not putting yourself out there. Perhaps your past experiences have made you reconsider. Or that you’re scared of trying. Putting pressure on yourself, in this case, is the last thing you should do.
Here are some ways to ease yourself into putting yourself out there:
- Join an informal networking event
- Focus on fun group activities that allow you to meet people with shared interests
- Re-discover an old hobby with a new social circle
- Attend social events that you haven’t considered before
- Join a neighbourhood dance, yoga, sports class
- Be open to trying out new experiences
Putting yourself out there can also feel overwhelming. In that case, you could consider focusing on your well-being and working on your self-confidence. Being patient means being able to build meaningful relationships that add value to your life.
7. Self-worth issues are holding you back
Building self-confidence is not easy. Even more so when you’re trying to find your feet after a failed relationship. But that does not necessarily mean that you do not deserve love. You are your own person, relationship or not.
Self-esteem takes a blow when there is a lack of self-worth. The feeling of being judged and the fear of intimacy exacerbate distrust. It might seem like feeling insecure, jealous, or anxious in the beginning. Without open conversation and expression of vulnerability, self-sabotage becomes rampant. Withdrawal and emotional distance lead to misunderstanding and rifts.
Self-care practices like showing self-compassion and outgrowing people-pleasing behaviours make a heavy impact. When you do not need constant reassurance, your self-reliability stabilizes the relationship.
8. You’re actually happy – but society says you shouldn’t be
Choosing solitude does not make you insufferable. It only makes you different, as with priorities.
Silvia Lazzarus and Jade Jeongso An, in their Honjok: The South Korean method of living happily with ourselves, consider a revolution on solitude. At the core of the Honjok phenomenon lies an invitation to spend time alone. Here, there is welcoming the “why am I always single” feeling by embracing the idea of valuing individuality, in a group. Honjok is a neologism for hon (alone) and jok (tribe). Putting “I” before everyone else.
Famous Hollywood celebrities embracing this identity include:
- Drew Barrymore, who is “living her best single life right now.”
- Charlize Theron, “enjoying her independence.”
- Emma Watson, “self-partnered,” focusing on self-growth
- Mindy Kaling, prioritizing her “single” motherhood
- Sharon Stone, has decided dating is “not worth her time”
- John Cusack, “society doesn’t tell me what to do.”
Society does not make much space for this. Yet, honouring one’s beliefs is crucial. While it doesn’t disregard communities, it focuses on valuing required isolation. This zooming-in acts as a confrontation towards how you approach relationships: with yourself and with other people. Bluntly going against tides, this solitude is an ode to self-love.
What To Do When You’re Tired Of Being Single
The world doesn’t end if you choose to be single and if you want to date, you must be persistent in your efforts. But when there is too much pressure on the idea of wanting to date only because you’ve been single, you lose out on the fun. Part of dating culture embraces the idea of meeting people solely for creating an environment to foster friendship. This is a good place to start if you’re prone to following the crowd.
Here are a few options you could consider:
- Reflect: Take a look at your past experiences. You can decide whether it is coming from a place of genuine need to pursue someone or if it’s coming from a place of wanting to get away from feeling lonely.
- Embracing self-discovery: Giving yourself time to learn something new about yourself. You could try self-care activities like yoga, sport, or journaling. Connecting with yourself helps you realize what you seek from other relationships.
- Focus on your other relationships: Making time for meaningful conversations with friends, or fostering connections while volunteering or joining a new club. While romantic relationships are important, it should not be the reason to neglect other relationships.
- Testing your comfort zone: Doing something you haven’t done, or making time for something you’ve always wanted to try.
- Self-love: Prioritizing yourself, taking yourself out on solo dates to be comfortable in your own company.
- Being open to meeting new people: You can focus on the connection more than the potentiality. Choosing to be in the moment and letting things flow more naturally adds to the fun.
Conclusion
You could have all the time in the world, and still make mistakes. You could wish for love, and wait for it to happen organically. Waiting does not guarantee worth. PSA: Love does not follow a timeline. The next time you land on “why am i still single?” – get up, and do something about it.
Seeking love does not come to fruition without action. You cannot maneuver the scale of the storm from the eye. While the cost of entry is embarrassing, there is much acceptance where there is love. While first loves may be a thing of the past (or not), it helps to be a little foolish and mostly curious.
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